December 29 2016
My full-time job title is that of over-thinker. I could write books, teach PhD-level courses, conduct a year long speaking tour. That’s how good I am.
I haven’t been feeling well so that makes my anxiety worse and over course, amps up the overthinking. I take things “too personally,” that’s what I’ve been told. Hearing that makes me feel silly and too sensitive, like no one has time to listen, or wants to listen, to my ridiculousness. I don’t mean to be annoying, I truly don’t, it’s just that my brain is sick and sometimes I don’t know how to make it feel better.
This blog is devoted to beauty, books, and cats, but mental health is something very dear to my heart and if I did not include it in my musings, I would not be staying true to myself.
When I visit groups to talk about mental illnesses and mental health I always share a few of my mental health diagnoses to help normalize mental illness, to make it more personal. I have been so fortunate to have received warm, encouraging, grateful receptions and feedback regarding my transparency. And while I am happy to share and feel like I am making a difference, when I start to feel ill and when I need to rely on others and share with them (I mean mainly my mom and my husband) I feel guilty and I realize all I do is impose on the lives of others. I wish I could be strong and confident every day because I hate the doubt that creeps into my head, the mean things my brain says to me, and the small and seemingly insignificant things that lead to overthinking. My specialty.
I am worrying about a medication refill, my first blog tour (I am so excited it, but for some reason I am convinced I am going to screw the whole thing up somehow), work, relationships…so many things. I make assumptions based on things like someone’s tone of voice, a reaction to something I said…I may be coming across as very selfish or self obsessed, but this all stems from an expectation of perfectionism from myself, for myself, and something I have touched on before which is OCPD (Obsessive Compulsive Personality Disorder). I don’t have full blown OCPD, but it is present enough to make life extremely difficult at times.
So I’m trying to be rational, but I quit. For right now. I get to spend time with my mom later this afternoon and I think seeing her will help immensely. She is a wonderful lady who has a very calming influence on me. 🙂
I hope this doesn’t sound whiny, and I tried to be brief, but this is where I am right now. As much as I’d like to be all kittens and sparkles, I am more like…what’s something really gross…ah! I am more eels and a rainbow in varying shades of mud.
Thank you for reading and “listening” to me. I appreciate you – I truly mean that!